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I don't think I've ever been this angry

ok... no I have...
I have been angrier infact....
but this is the first time in almost 10 years that I've wanted to punch a hole in the wall...
I want to send someone crying to the bathroom and make them rethink their entire existance....
I want to blow up entire planets and not care if there's any life on them...


I woke up pissed off...
that's it. nothing major happened... I just woke up pissed off...
no... I'm not on bear season...

I just have the urge to shank someone....
I don't even feel like being around people... I don't need a fucking hug...

I'm just really pissed off...
I need a punching bag... atleast to let go of the anger... why the hell isn't there a punching bag near me? 

I feel like pulling a serious carrie...
there's a reason why I wasn't born with any form of super powers...

totally


Caffeine Sugar Crash
well.... yeah!

for bri-pie

sigh...

is there even a point to trust anybody? I mean I'm not so paranoid that I'm thinking that everyone's out to get me... infact I'm pretty sure no one even cares that much...

no, but my past has led me to think that no one cares about how I feel about certain things... you know... sometimes it's common courtesy to keep others in your mind and how certain actions may affect others.
no, this isn't about one specific person in my life (but it may as well be, since I was really never given any real proof that I can fully place my trust with that person).
it's really about how inconsiderate people are in general...

I mean, seriously... most of us are in situations where we are in friendships, relationships, and some are married, and they don't understand what they have or can ever learn to appreciate it...

I for one feel constantly under-appreciated. and I know that others feel that same way. you do so much work for others and you wonder if it's even worth it... maybe I shouldn't be doing anything at all if I'm having doubts like that...

every person affects another person one way or another... sometimes you have to take in account in how you want to be remembered...

Joey... ended up on tool academy... and lasted only 2 episodes (yeah, it took the fidelity challenge to get him kicked off)
scott... the most hated person in florida and colorado...
dan... level headed and business-like, and possibly the least craziest person I know...
austin... craziest and angriest person I've ever met... but cuddly when he wants to be...
carlos... quite possibly going to rule the world...
anthony... best big brother I've ever had... even though we're not related...
ramon... best body guard, and kindest heart I've seen in a person...
The Eldeen Johnson's crew... nerds with tough exteriors but squishy warm insides...
most of the women in my life... crazy (some crazier than others, but my closest female friends are the ones with the biggest and warmest hearts)... except for jackie... she's really level headed and kind for a woman....
there are so many people in my life that has helped shape who I am today (my parents doing most of the building for my childhood)

so... the question you gotta ask yourself now...

How do you want to be remembered?

it's just the stress

ok... I've had a wacky emotional roller coaster going... I've been happy, angry, depressed, happy again...
maybe I'm bi-polar? nah...
it's just bear season... it's weird to have your last week of school forever, while the PMS is happening... also breaking out like crazy now... it's weird.

anywho, I'm getting myself slowly back together... I did laundry yesterday, gonna finish with the cleaning of my room. then, once I get cleaning materials, its off to scrub that bathroom CLEAN! MWAHAHAHA!
after that... ORGANIZING MY SEWING/LIVING ROOM! OMG... it needs it BAD and I may need help with moving furniture and organizing fabrics.

work... well, lets just say I will be very happy when I get laid off...

it's been retarded here at sears and I don't know how much longer I can hold out... I've been here 3 years... it's sad, I should've gotten out a LONG time ago... I'm gonna try to work some more hours next week though, since they are gonna lay me off... I still need money...
also... I'm set for the road trip in may... now we gotta set a couple of weeks... and figure out which cars we are taking and who we are going to visit...

my list may involve my cousin, nicole, anthony, bart, kelly, dorothy and dalles. and that's only my list, we have others in my group with other people to visit while making our trek :)
also going to awesome places to eat...
I'm wicked excited about it :)

I'm really happy schools done. I feel complete... :)... now I just need to please my parents by getting married and providing grandchildren... pffffff HAHAHAHAHA! XD!

I've gotta hydrate today

ok... well other than being a random emotional wreck of a person. the past fews week have definitely been a trial for me... I've been pushing myself to the very limits... with EVERYTHING... my emotions are out of wack, my brain feels like it's going to explode, and my heart feels like it can't beat any more...

but I've finally made it to today...
today when I am finished with school forever... or until I decide I want my masters in costuming (I'll definitely need to go to new york for that).
but I achieved the goal of not only finishing school, but I am one student that hasn't gotten pregnant while being in school. win.

today I'm drinking myself silly in celebration at fiddler's green. I would like to see everyone there. at least everyone who is able to drink with me :).

caught in my own trap

I am hating life right now...
but this will only last four weeks.

WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST LAY US OFF BACK IN NOVEMBER!?!?! I would be less stressed out living off the government. and working non-stop on projects....

4 weeks...
next week, mock interviews.
I also need to sketch for my next concept and have them scanned.

last night I had horrible dreams.
I want to quit. I was crying in my sleep. on top of that, I was freeeeeezing.

I've never been more stressed in my life.
I need a rock, something to keep me tethered before I go off the deep end.
also I'm going to need caffience and friends to tell me to stay focused.

gaming is out of the question til after I graduate.

for the next four weeks, I'm going to be crazy, emotional, stupid. just a list of bad things. I don't want to offend anyone. I'm going to snap and I may threatened your life. I'm going to want to tear out my hair and if you're too close I might tear yours out too.

this is EVERYONE'S warning. even my family is going to be very cautious around me.

I love you all... I hope I don't lose myself during this process